birthday breakfast & birthday feelings

by katefantastic

In the photo: a Chelsea waffle (recipe from Vegan Brunch) with strawberries, peanut butter, & veggie sausage; a sliver of a Rogue brewery Dead Guy Ale glass (Oregon brewed) filled with water; a hint of the mug containing my delicious americano made with home-roasted coffee beans.

Not pictured: my daily muli-vitamin & st. john’s wort; adorable pitcher of warm maple syrup; loving family & puppy.

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My mother is an incredible person. On my birthday, she woke up early & made me breakfast. It was an amazing start to an incredible day, filled with everything that matters most to me in my life. I spent the day with family, playing games & eating & being together. My sweetheart was with me the whole time. I did what I love to do: cook, eat, work, sleep. It rained & the pavement smelled new.

& yet, I felt a longing the whole day for love that felt like it was missing. I struggled to know what I wanted to do most, to even have the option of giving myself what I wanted. The spiritual sense of what it means to me to be another year older, to have this precious gift of being a person in my body & life, eluded me.

& yet, I got some of the sweetest cards this year I’ve ever gotten. Love was extended to me in every possible way, from so many places.

What I’m learning today, the day after my birthday, is that the love I am looking for is the love I haven’t given myself permission to feel. I spent so much of the day doing, cleaning, wanting control. So often when I feel as if I haven’t received what I wanted, it’s because I slammed the door in its face. The love is there, & I am sometimes too afraid I don’t deserve it to even let myself know it.

Today, I have my permission. What is important to me is important. I am taking what I learned in my tarot reading and applying it. I am interested in starting a meditation practice. I think I’m gonna do some library research. Rest assured, I will blog all about it!

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