list of reasons for me to go on today
1. To take place; happen: didn’t know what was going on.
a. To continue: Life must go on.
b. To keep on doing (something): Don’t go on talking.
c. To proceed: She went on to become a senator.
3. Informal To talk volubly: My, you do go on.
sometimes after I’ve spent time reading about the world, even especially reading about the world I want to live in & be a part of, I start to experience a crushing anxiety, a sense that this world will never exist for me, & doesn’t even really exist for the people who presume to occupy it.
reading about small press publishing is an exercise in this, reading about publishers who own successful or unsuccessful publishing houses who mostly speak about how excruciatingly difficult it is to do what they are doing & it’s like–what, then? what is supposed to happen to writing?
So, to remind myself that feeling hopeless about the world is a waste, that there is more than one dimension to everything & even if small press publishing is horrible & as a writer I am supposed to be reading books all the time to make myself a better writer but when I read books I feel guilty because I’m not doing all the other things I “need” to do to become a better writer like write or tweet or learn accounting…even if all of that IS true, which at least is not a static state of things, there are things about the world that are beautiful & good. There are reasons to proceed, to take place.
& they are as follows:
1. I can be understood. I can speak & sometimes people say, “Yes!” like I’ve just put into words a feeling or idea they’ve been looking to describe for some time now, looking as if for a fallen earring in a movie theater (which is to say, with great effort).
2. The light of the world is different every day. Most likely, on every day I am alive I will be able to observe the quality of light. It might be buttery, stark, watered-down or dappled. It might defy description. Very often, it will be magical & breathtaking.
3. Humans are not the only life on this planet. There are all kinds of animals, bats & geese & elephants & beta fish. There are banana trees (alive) & irish moss (alive) & dandelions (alive & wish-on-able). Even if my own life seems overwhelming, even worthless, there are plants I can water. I can do small things to support life. Those other lives are doing small-to-big things every minute to support mine. It helps to remember. We are all in this together.
4. Speaking of which, I am not alone. Every morning, I wake up next to a person. That person is kind & generous & wants to support me. They want me to be the best human I can be, best as I define it. Then, I go for a walk with my mother, who also supports me. I am surrounded by people like this, who love & care for me, & I am surrounded by strangers. These strangers are potential-connection factories, every minute capable of changing my world for the better. What’s wonderful, too, is that I don’t have to know everyone. Sometimes it’s enough just to smile at someone and never meet them again.
5. I have time. Time to think, to write, to clean the kitchen, to wiggle my toes. The world is full of possibilities. I am endlessly thankful for the time I spend directed only by my imagination.